Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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