so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
