I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
