too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
