im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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