She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
