dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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