i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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