I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
