Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
