I think my fart just growled at me.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
