you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
