ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
