I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
