I met the friendliest cop last night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
