I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
