Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
