the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
