he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
