Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
