We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i now understand why vodka
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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