Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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