I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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