okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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