guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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