Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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