last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
