So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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