i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
