I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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