Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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