Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
