Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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