During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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