Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
