his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
