He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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