Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
