Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
