can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
