She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
