its not stalking. its research.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
