my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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