did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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