Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
