I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
