Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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