you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
