I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My dick has a subreddit
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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