So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
