i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I look better un-naked...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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