got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
