Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
