Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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