Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
