last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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