I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
