I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
