I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
