i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
