Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
