I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
