i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
In other news, I just burned my penis
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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