I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize