Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
