we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
