how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
