I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
