Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
