yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
