Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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