Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The uberlube is also flammable
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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