This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
