I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
