Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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